Emotion

I’ve dealt with being a very emotional person my whole life. I cry at the drop of a hat, especially if it’s directly tied to me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always somehow felt what others are feeling. I restrict a lot of what I watch and expose myself to because I get entirely too attached and I get very bad anxiety and a fear I can’t describe. Seeing anything even remotely upsetting is enough to trigger an emotional response of epic proportions. When I was in elementary school, we learned about the Civil Rights movement and the treatment of African Americans and I got so upset in class that my teacher sent me to the bathroom to gather myself. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to conceal my emotions because people just think I’m being dramatic. It’s funny how we are taught to use our words and express ourselves but as soon as we do, we are made to feel as if we aren’t entitled to feel that way. I’ve learned to internalize my feelings that way I’m not made fun of for them. Even on an anonymous Twitter account where no one knows me, I feel as if I can’t be myself entirely because I don’t want to feel the embarrassment I’ve so accustomed to feeling when I do share my innermost thoughts and feelings. I’m guilty of this myself.

As a teacher, I go to school and teach my kids how to think. The state tells me my kids have to learn x,y, and z. In order to be considered for moving on to the next grade, they have to be conditioned to learn the way the state deems “college and career ready.” I’m still learning how to be teach and be effective in the classroom but I hope I can actually challenge my students to voice their feelings and opinions in a way that I wasn’t allowed to. I want them to be able to say they feel sad by what they heard on the news or read in the paper. What kind of people are we raising to be our leaders when they can’t even formulate a response to how they feel about something? They will be void of any and all passion they may have in something all because the adults guiding them haven’t given them the tools to do so. 

Emotions are hard for me to process. I know what I feel and the magnitude of which I feel them but I often find myself frustrated because I can’t share my emotions on a healthy manner. When I’m mad, I shut down and don’t speak to anyone which often just makes the situation worse. When I’m sad, I just cry and cry until I physically can’t anymore. When I see someone struggling, I get so upset and want to help but don’t know how to ask if my assistance is needed. I hate feeling like I’m a nuisance so I avoid asking questions altogether. At this point I’m rambling because I don’t really have a direction for this post, like my emotions. I have a million things to say and I can’t compartmentalize them because they all rely on each other to make sense, similar to the way I feel on a daily basis. It’s as if I know exactly what’s going on in my head but when I try to verbalize it, all I can do is go on tangents that are related but don’t necessarily make sense. It’s weird. I’m weird. It’s all just one weird mix of emotions. I’m sure they’re plenty of others who feel the same. Even if you don’t experience the same thing I do, I’m always willing to listen to anyone who feels as if they can’t express themselves to others. I can promise you’ll never be judged 😘 

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